Those first few heady days in Changsha before baby and when we first got her all seem a long time ago now. The pictures, grainy though they are, bring them back along with the tears of happiness. The time seemed almost surreal. We had waiting so long and jumped through so many hoops to get this baby and then we were there, actually doing just that. I don’t know if it was the jet-lag or the gray weather that hung over us for our week in Changsha but everything seemed a bit fuzzy. I kept expecting to wake up back at home, still waiting. We arrived at the Changsha airport on a cold and drizzly day, the eve of meeting our daughter.
On baby day, the group of expectant parents woke up a little and the anticipation of finally meeting our daughters made us all a little giddy. We took a bus to the stark government building and waited for the babies to get there. Daphne, our adoption agency rep, gave us our number, which indicated the order in which our babies would be presented. We were last. I watched as each baby was brought into the room and handed over to her family. Most babies cried loudly and most parents wept with joy. By the time our name was called, I had completely lost my composure. Tabitha whimpered and looked extremely anxious, a look that became very familiar over the next few days. I took her to a far corner of the room and cuddled her, stroked her head, and whispered mommy words in her ear. Ba Ba watched us, occasionally stroking her and adding in his own words of comfort. She cuddled against me, somewhat comforted, but still frightened. Having completed all the paperwork the night before, thanks to Daphne’s wise experience, we were then free to go on the bus. Tabitha leaned against me and slept. I cried. You can see from the picture that my lips were cracked and dry and I surely could not afford to loose any moisture but I cried nonetheless. Tears of joy, relief, and love. She was mine and finally, finally in my arms. I’ve added pictures to the slide show of that day and the next.
Tabitha is so much more vibrant now but sometimes she gets the look that she had during those first few day, a look of fear and helpless resignation and I feel a pang of hurt that cuts to the core of my being. I know she doesn’t understand why her world has been turned upside down. During those days, I so longed to see a smile--or even a temper tantrum--anything but resignation in those eyes. Her cries even sounded weak, like the cries of a newborn.
We spent the next few days getting acquainted with our frightened little baby. We still could not believe she was ours. She remained passive except that she clung to her Mama with fierce determination. My presence was the constant in her suddenly tumultuous life. Our guides, Daphne and Ellen, gave a birthday party dinner, complete with cake to the little ones in our group. Most of them had passed their first birthdays without fanfare. Tabitha was oblivious to the festivities as she struggled with the concept of sitting in a high chair. She didn’t like being anyplace Mama’s arms were not. It’s okay that she didn’t realize there was a party in her honor, she has plenty of shindigs in her future.
